Posts Tagged ‘ War ’

BBC Royal Watch: Unharmed and Time to Panic!

Frantic activity in the halls of the BBC this morning as dramatic news regarding occasional Nazi impersonator Prince Harry broke, as it emerged that he was caught in a savage firefight while serving his country abroad. Although details were initially sketchy, it became apparent during the course of the morning that the Prince, arguably the most important member of the royal family* was unharmed. While based at a camp in Violentistan, the Prince was reported as having possibly defended his comrades from a savage attack. Although it cannot at this stage, or at any point in the future, be confirmed that the Prince, having run out of ammunition, picked up a stick and waved it with gusto in the face of his aggressors, it seems almost certain that the young hero did indeed defend the camp, while others cowered around him, possibly praying to the Queen for deliverance in their time of need.

Hero Harry Spits in the Face of the Taliban!

The BBC was quick to repeat that none of these details could be verified, but wanted to make sure that the loyal subjects of the British Empire could sip their Earl Grey tea at breakfast, safe in the knowledge that their Prince was unharmed, and that possible nothing at all had happened to him, certainly news worthy of topping every bulletin throughout the course of the day.

In other news, two US soldiers died in the same attack, but this is really not the sort of thing that the good people of Britain want to hear about over breakfast…so say the good ol’ BBC. God save the Prince and whatnot.

*located in a war-torn region where he can’t embarrass anyone.

The Eurozone Crises – So, to War then?

Ever since this Greek financial debacle got underway, I’ve found it increasingly difficult to prevent Sharpe style dreams infiltrating my sleep, as visions of a Napoleonic Europe seem to get closer and closer. It’s a vision not helped by a seemingly unhinged, unnervingly short Frenchman, merrily declares that if things aren’t sorted with the Eurozone, then Europe will explode. This is not long after a stern authoritarian German, who seems to have the whole of Europe bending at the knee to her fiscal power, came out with very similar sentiments. With the powers in play, and the stakes so high, is it time to have some real concerns about what is actually meant by the phrase ‘Europe will Explode’?

Now, this may be letting my imagination run away with things, but I would like to suggest that the phrase ‘Europe Will Explode’ can, and indeed does, mean only one thing – war. France and Germany seem to be spoiling for it, after all, Germany is so close to the total victory it has craved over Europe for so long, that the slow grind of absolute financial dominance might just be proving a fractionally too slow a process for their ambition to cope with. Of course the new Boney won’t stand for that and will have to meet the German challenge with usual French posturing. Italy has her issues, but Berlusconi has essentially modelled much of his political approach on that of Mussolini’s already, and given that he is close to exhausting all legal routes to holding onto power, as well as all legal loopholes, a full scale war would be the ideal tool for him to make use of to remain in the seat of power.

The UK is of course doing what it does best in preparation, staying behind the sea defences and pointing lots of fingers. ‘Don’t do that with the Euro’, ‘please don’t do that to it’, and when all falls on deaf ears the same sentiments will be backed up with a firmly worded letter.

Of course, we need something to fight over, hating the fact that we all have to work together as ‘Europeans’, while being a reason, is probably not quite reason enough to trigger a war (but not by much), so why not over Greece. Greece, in terms of the amount of money that has been directed into its coffers, must be one of the most on-paper affluent nations in the world by now. Even if it squandered all of the billions dropped on its doorstep, it has assets enough to go around, I’m sure for instance that the British Museum would like to finish off its collection to classical Greek friezes, and what better opportunity to go and pick up what Elgin left behind than a war.

So there we have it, the big players all have reason enough, the respective world leaders are generally barmy or desperate enough to get on board, and of course, nothing artificially stimulates an economy better than a good ol’ fashioned war. It’s how we solved these problems back in the day, and let’s face it, diplomacy and fiscal measures just aren’t cutting the mustard. So get your muskets ready, and don the caps, Europe is about to blow, and it’s going to blow Napoleonic style!